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Your Emails and Insights
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Remember, be brave and strong. Only you have the power to change your life. Love Melinda Dear Melinda, My name is Fiona and I am 25 years old. I can proudly say that I am currently going through the recovery process of Anorexia after having eating disorders on and off for the past 10 years. I found your webpage absolutely amazing!!!! It made me cry because I could really relate to it and all the inspirational stories about other people who are fighting this deadly disease makes me feel like I am not alone. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 months now and one of the many things I have had to do as part of my battle was to write a 'fairy tale' about my fight through anorexia and what I think my future will be like. I am not a creative person at all, well I didn't think I was. I was also into maths/science at school and didn't enjoy writing stories much at all. Anyway, everything my therpaist asks me to do I always agree to at least try because everything we have done so far has helped me to where I am now.....recovering! I trust her and I trust everything she asks me to do so I decided I would write this story and see what happens. I sat down at the computer and expected a tough battle but the words just seem to flow from my mind and heart and into my fingers and I found myself unable to stop. It was an amazing feeling, I was enjoying writing the story and I didn't want to stop. One of the main reasons I had to do it was because the voice in my head has been putting heaps of pressure on me to 'become normal again' and 'to do it quickly'. I know the recovery process is going to take a very long time and I don't want to rush it. The voice in my head was trying to rush it because he knows that if I rush my recovery I will end up falling back into my anorexic ways again and he will have control of my life again. I DON"T WANT THAT!!! I am finally gettting control of my life back and I don't ever want him in my head again. He is still there now but no where near as bad and I am fighting him every second of every hour of every day and I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP! Anyway, he was also putting pressure in me to be 'normal' again and my therapist asked me if I wanted things to go back to normal and how they used to be and I realised that......no I don't want that. I have a new life ahead of me without a voice in my head telling me what to think, eat, do, say. I am growing in confidence every day and although there are certain parts of my personality that I want to keep with me for life I want to become a better person after all this, I want to be more confident and I want freedom. So this is the reason why I had to write the fairy tale. I had to express my feelings creatively (I have never done this), I also had to think about what my new life will be like and put it into words. Now when the voice in my head puts pressure on me to be 'normal' again I just say to it.....no I don't want to be normal, I have a new life ahead and I am looking forward to it. I am really really proud of my story because I wrote it from my heart and it means so much to me. I thought it might help others so I thought I would email it to you. I think your webpage is inspirational and so helpful and I thank you for that Love Fiona Dear Melinda, Numerous times i have visited your site over the past couple of years but never would i thought i would be contributing. I am an 18 year old girl, last year during year 12 i sufferred from Anorexia. I attended one of your sessions in Adelaide however went downhill from there, as no matter how much i said to everyone that i wanted to get better; in reality there was no way that i was going to attempt to recover. There was no way i would even have considered those biscuits that were there for supper! Throughout my battle with anorexia i found comfort in feeling lightheaded; as i knew that this meant i had too little to eat. I counted kilojoules scrupulously to begin with but eventually i began eating exactly the same thing every day - perhaps so i didn't have to count. I saw many professionals, including a psychiatrist who suggested i go in for a program at Flinders Medical Centre. I wish i had have now; the honest reason why i didn't was that i just knew they would make me gain weight. Anyhow, to cut a long story short i got to the stage where i stopped running because i just never had any energy- the adrenaline which was my fuel for so long had ran out. I couldn't even walk say 20 metres without a feeling of lactic acid building up in my starved muscles. My doctor even disallowed me to go for walks which saw me burst out crying-something thatis very out of character for myself. This is the first time i've ever REALLY shared this with anyone, i could carry on for a matter of hours!! Right now I'm at uni - weigh a healthy 55kg after beginning the year at 44, though my periods haven't returned, i lost them very early on in my disorder probably due to the excessive exercise i did. Although now i lead a (fairly) normal life in comparison to before and i play sport, LAUGH again which i just didn't seem to be able to do before; since i have begun eating more i have taken to the other extreme. Bingeing. When this first began, i would confess it to my family and friends; and because i was so underweight; they would all reassure me that it was GOOD what i was doing and i would not purge (& never did throughout my anorexia)- but now that i'm back at a healthy weight; i can't stop. I love eating so much, at least once per day i binge (always when alone) and then usually vomit, i have stopped taking laxatives as i was also doing for some time. It's funny that when i was anorexic, i was somewhat proud of my disorder but now i am extremely ashamed of my bingeing and purging behaviour. I wish now that i had have gone and learnt how to eat properly, i encourage all other people that have the oppourtunity to do the same - as now i may not be so out of control.... Anyhow thanks for your extraordinary website & i hope you can write back. Love Shan Dear Melinda, I'm just writting to say that I read your book. From the age of three I became a ridiculously fussy eater restricting my diet to only a few junk foods, which I am still basically living off today. I am now 21 and have just finished my marketing degree in New Zealand. Last year I started going to a counselor and a dietitian but I didn’t really stick to it. Reading your book has reinforced a lot of things both the dietitian and the counselor said to me which I didn’t really understand or believe at the time but now I’m making an effort to try new things although sometimes I loose motivation and chicken out. Thank you for writing a book that wasn’t just about anorexia or bulimia as finally I found something that I could read that covers eating disorders that don’t necessary fit into those categories. Thanks Sarah I am a 35 year old with no support what so ever. I have been throwing up since I was 15 years old. I just told my husband a few months ago about my eating disorder. I could not even admit that I had one until now. We have been married for 16 years, and he never had a clue. We have no money. I can't go to a doctor, or a therapist. I can't even buy a book. Ever since I told my husband, he has been watching my every move. He forces me to eat, and will yell, cuss and all that if I refuse. He threatens to leave the kids and myself, or force me into a mental institution and leave me there. I have isolated myself, so I have no real friends that I can talk to. I came across your sight while doing some research, and could so relate to everything I read. Is there any hope of recovering when you are truly on your own? I don't know were to turn, or where to go. I journal, and write poetry, but what else can I do? I am very depressed, and want to much to just let it all go. But I don't know how. Thanx for taking the time to read this. Cassie NOTE FROM MELINDA: Cassie, you are not alone - many people have trouble finding help - but it is important to keep trying, and keep your objective of recovery top of mind. Don't give up. I am in Australia and we have a public hospital system here that is free to anyone - perhaps where you are, there is something similar? Best place to start - call your local doctors surgery or your local hospital and ask them about Eating Disorder Treatment Centres - tell them your situation so they know you need to find one where you are not shelling out money. Recovery IS possible, I promise. The strength comes from within, the decision comes from you ... you have to want to recover, get better ... you need to confront your fears, work through past hurts and all the torrid emotions that come with it. It will be hard, but it is necessary in order to deal with this and then let it go forever. This is what I had to do when I was in the grips of anorexia, it was painful but I am so glad I did - my therapist was lovely and I trusted her and told her everything. She really helped me get past those feelings of empowerment when I starved myself (or in your situation, throw up) through helping me realise that I could channel all my energy into other more positive things, and derive positive achievement that way instead of punishing myself for something that was not my fault. Bulimia is already ruining your life - get mad at it, angry with it, how DARE bulimia control you like this? You have the strength within to stand up and fight and only you have the power to do this - only you have the power to change your life. The strength comes from within, you need to be brave and strong, and love and nurture yourself - this is how I was able to recover. I also realised that life was moving ahead without me and I felt as though I was being left behind. When I started talking back to the voice it reinforced that I was in control, not the anorexia, and this helped me to turn the control factor around. Also perhaps show your husband my site so he understands this is not your fault. I hope that I have been able to help in some way... life on the other side of recovery is truly amazing. You CAN do it, Cassie. And you deserve to be happy and live with peace in your heart. Dear Melinda, Wow thank u for replying to me, thats really sweet of u to actually read my email, i havnt yet read ur book although i am hoping to buy it off the internet soon, u really r an inspiration to people who r struggling and looking for direction, i think what ur doing is really brilliant and i hope that when im older i will be able to help people who are in the position i have been in. im at uni again now in my second term of my 1st yr and having loads of fun. Thank u again for replying Take Care Luv Vikki Dear Melinda My little sister has been concerning me for quite a while. She doesn't like to eat, and she's always outside with her friends being too energetic. I read all the warning signs, and that concerned me even more. My little sister is 10 years old, and will be 11 this year. I made her some lunch today because she told me she was hungry, and when I set it down on the table, she just looked at it, and told me that it smelt, and looked funny so she wouldn't eat it. This upset me a lot because I have a cousin who is anorexic, and I don't want my sister to end up like her. So I went online after she left to her room, and found your webpage, and read almost everything on here. I then went and got her from her room, and showed her what would happen if she kept this up. I know I got through to her because she had tears in her eyes, and got very quiet. I thank you so much for having this webpage, and the having the truth all over it. I hope she will keep all this in mind, and I truely hope that everybody will realize that this is serious, and shouldn't be taken for granted. Thank you once again. Sincerely, Krystal Hi Melinda, My name is Rachel and I have been suffering from this evil and tormenting disease we all know as anorexia/bulimia. I have been living with this devil in my head for almost 8 years now and have been trying to fight it on and off for the past 6 years. I am turning 25 in May and have not even started living the life I want. I have read your books and it wasn't until yesterday that I found this website that has made me actually sit down and think of where the illness stemmed from. I have done this before with many psychologists but when the fight got too hard I gave in because as you know it is easier to turn the other way and try and run away from the problem. It's not due to the fact that I don't want to beat this disease, it's because I am just soooo tired and feel that I am sometimes not strong enogh to beat it. Also other things come up in my life that make me want to retreat into my comfort zone, such as the divorce of my parents. But something changed that just yesterday when I sat down and actually started writing down what anorexia has done to me and how it has taken almost everything away from me, including my life on several occasions. It was your quote on the website stating that the strength that drove me to destruction in the first place and made me turn all my pain inward and destroy myself is the strength that will propell me in the direction of my dreams and allow me to realise and achieve them. It was this statemnt that made me sit down and write down the pain and anger that lead me to my destruction. I am sharing my life with my soul mate who so desperately wants me to get better and become the girl that he started going out with in the beginning when I had just come out of hospital and thought I was on the road to recovery. I know I don't want to live like this anymore but how do I get off the rollercoaster I am on. I don't like this ride and know I am so close to taking the final step but I realised perhaps it's not the final step yet and I still need to keep writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and mend myself psychologically before I can mend myself physically. The problem is that I have said this all before and have not fully followed through with what I say I am going to do because it all gets too hard so how do I stick to this road to recovery and not get back on the rollercoaster for another round. I also have thoughts that it's too late and I've missed the main part of my life. You look so happy and full of life. You have the light in your eyes that I lost ages ago but want back so desperately. You look so healthy and glowing and I think you are gorgeous both outside and inside, I know I don't know you personally but from what I have read in your books and seeing how you are trying to help so many desperate girls and guys out there, you are trully and angel that has been sent to help us. I hope you can answer some of my questions as I am in DESPERATE NEED of someone to talk to and feel that you are the one that can HELP ME! Rachel NOTE FROM MELINDA: Rachel, the first thing I want to say is, the more you listen to that voice in your head, the more power you give it. In my book 'How to Recover' it talks about how to talk back to the voice. This is something that really helped me ... sometimes I'd yell back at the voice out loud 'you do not control me .. I'm not listening to you anymore, you've taken everything away from me and now I'm going to get it back'. The more you talk back to the voice, the weaker it becomes because it is YOU who is in control .. relish this control, wield it, use it, get mad, get angry, FURIOUS with your anorexia, the anorexia is the demon, not you .. you are just wanting to live a normal, happy, fulfilling life which you absolutely deserve. You have so much to live for. The first step has to come from within, and yes, use all that strength that drove your eating disorder, turn it around, tell yourself you deserve to be happy and that you are a beautiful person, sincerely believe it because it is TRUE, I promise you. Keep repeating positive reinforcing statements to yourself, drown out the voice, don't listen to it, get mad and yell at it to shut up .. YOU are in control now Rachel, it's your life and you have the power to make it whatever you want it to be. Listen to your boyfriend, he has no reason to lie to you. He loves you unconditionally and wants to share a wonderful life with you, the woman he loves. It's not too late, you haven't wasted the main part of your life. There is so much living to be done, so much waiting for you .. embrace it, because you deserve it. Finally, go to my 'How to Recover' book - page 114, the passage that starts 'a sufferer once asked me what's the point of living ..'. This passage is for you. I know it will touch your heart. Dear Melinda I finally talked it over with my dad, not my mom yet but she'll know soonier or later sometime tonight!!! So anyways thank you again, instead of weight lifting (trying to tone my body) i'm going to run for 2 or 3 miles a day and see if that works out for me i'll keep in touch with you to let you know what has changed in my life and what has not!!! Again thank you for detering me from this route!!! Thanks a bunch, Krystal Hi Melinda, Thankyou so much for your message, it's very encouraging to hear a recovered sufferer give such positive advice. I know what I have to do to get better but in a way I think this is the most frustrating thing - to consciously understand and be knowledgeable of what's required but not have the desire or ability to put it into practice. I'm waiting for the day when I will wake up and something will just click and I will be able to commit to getting better. A friend and recovered sufferer told me that you have to get really angry at the illness, angry at it for taking away your life, your being, everything. At times I do but unfortunately only when the bulimia sets in. On the other days, the illness gives me this perceived feeling of good, control, strength etc, that makes me want to hold onto it. My psychologist often challenges me as to why I feel I have to punish myself, why I feel I deserve such destruction, but i can't find an answer. I still feel there is something that is making me hang onto this horrible 'thing' but I can't work out what it is and consequently I can't let go. I know i'm scared and all that sort of stuff that most of 'us' are but I feel there is something more to it. I just feel I am trying so hard but nothing seems to work. Each day I wake in fear of how i'm going to make it through. Everytime I gain the courage to challenge 'it' and try to eat normally I am overridden with anxiety, berrate myself for having been so weak and end up in a worst state than if I hadn't bothered in the first place. Recovery is so hard. It's so much easier to just let the illness continue, at least then there's less fighting. Despite this though, I still know that I can't live like this for much longer and I do still continue to try - every second of everyday. Anyway, it's really great to be able to talk to someone, other than my therapist, and get all this confusion out. Thanks again for you advice, it's really helpful and nice to know someone genuinly cares. love always Anna Thankyou so much for replying to my e-mail; it was such a wonderful suprise when I checked my e-mail tonight. The things that you wrote have helped me to settle my thoughts down after having a really bad day. Every monday and friday I meet up with the head of the weight disorder unit here where I live. I have been seeing him for a very long time and I get along with him pretty well. I actually look forward to these times with him because I know that he is on my team and stands up for me and not the anorexia. They are the only times where I don't feel that I am fighting this battle on my own. Over the past couple of months I have been more driven in relation to exercising, and from the moment I get out of bed until the moment I go to bed I feel that I have to exercise on every hour for 30 mins. I never let this get in the way of my appointments because they are way too important for me. Something that I have found particularly helpful from your books is the idea of changing your routine into one that is healthier. It has really helped me to change my thinking about things that I can do to help myself. In this past week I have made a concious effort to have real sugar in my coffee rather than equal and all of the harmful chemicals it contains. At first it was really difficult and I have been so used to reaching for the equal for many years. It is slowly becoming part of my routine now and I don't stress so much about it anymore. The first few times of doing anything are always the most difficult. It has been a big triumph for me. Thankyou again for your e-mail. I hope that one day I too will be able to stand up and say that I am a survivor and have fully recovered from this illness. I think that recovered and recovering anorexics will always share this special bond of understanding and compassion, and after reading your books I feel this special bond with yourself. Love Sal Hi Melinda I've have just stumbled upon your site and I havent stopped crying since i first opened it. I've had an Ed for over 4 years now.. the last 18 months have been somewhat "in recovery". I find it extremely difficult but so rewarding at the same time. I first met a friend of mine on and Ed website chat room...... never once have we had a negative influence on each other... not once even at our worst. She is still stuck in the hell of anorexia and it helps me to encourage her as I am forced to listen to my own advice. We have the most amazing connection, like nothing Ive experienced ever before. We can have the crappest of day and email or call each other and no matter how bad it is we both feel so much better afterwards. She lives in the United States and Im in Australia and I plan on spending Christmas with her over in the States this year. I never thought I would be able to be friends with another Ed sufferer because of the competition side of it all, but every cloud has a silver lining. From this hell existance that I led for years I have found a truly amazing friend, a best friend, a soul mate that understands me completely and honestly and for the sake of this frienship I would not trade my Anorexic years for anything. Katie. Hi Melinda I have been doing a little better but i am still not eating properly. But my parents, friends, pyschologist, dietician etc are helping. It is so hard though, like a lifelong battle. But it does give me hope and motivation when I here of recovery stories, like yours.I know that it will never go away, it will always be with me, but I i dont want it to control my life. I would appreciate it if you could put my email address on your website - I have recently been thinking about going bulimic. i know that it is a compulsive disease but sometimes i feel like thats what is going to take to make me the image i need to be ive never had a boyfriend before never been kissed and sometimes i think my weight could be the reason. I mean being the type of person i am, jokes about weight usually wouldnt bother me but recently they've started to. I know people say oh dont worry about what anyone else thinks but i do and i know its not a good thing. Last year I was probably a little heavier than i am now and it was at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. My uncle,grandma,and me and my friend were standing around talking and my uncle looks at my grandmother and says that my twin sister Brittany is a stick compared to me and that she must be half my size. I didnt say anything to him. My friend looks at me and we both go to the bathroom where i start to cry she reassures me however that we are the same size however by then it had already sunk in and it hurt I didnt have anybody to tell how i felt and i didnt want to ruin the party so i walked back out there and didnt eat a thing the rest of the evening. My grandmother who is always like jessica youve gained some weight, you have a pudge sticking out, suck in your stomach, stand up straight okay i understand im not the best looking person but a girl doesnt need this kind of treatment i ve said things to my mom about it but its not like she doesnt do it to me shes like jessica you shouldnt eat that dont come to me and complain that your fat i warned you and my dad is right along your gonna look like a whale, porky pig, and it hurts. I have a big butt and wide hips and i know that im not obese. Its not only the sayings its the people i hang out with; the cheerleaders, the dancers, the thin girls i mean i love them all to death but you know when your friends are all a size 1-2 and your a size 6 its harder. today in aerobics my teacher was reading this diary about this girl who went bulamic and died and i know that the consequences arent good but im almost willing to take the risk just today me and my friend were thinking about buying laxitives to take after we eat and i really and truly am considering doing it. im not bulimic now and i probably wont be but i think i needed to express these feelings to someone and id rather it be somebody i dont know. thankyou for listening. Jessica NOTE FROM MELINDA Jessica, your thoughts and behaviour are very dangerous - if you keep going this way, you will certainly develop a full blown eating disorder and it will destroy your life. Bulimia is not fun, it is not glamorous and it won't draw people to you. It is a serious psycological illness that requires professional treatment. Once you are in its grips, it is like a monster that wont let you go and saps all the life and energy out of you. It is frightening. Stop now before it is too late. Remember, it's what's inside that makes you beautiful. Hi Melinda, Thanks for emailing me. I appreciate all of the thoughts.. It is so true strength is within and has the journey has to be completed and it is hard... recovery is hard.. and I know worth it.. I am now off diet pills I had a scare a couple of weeks ago.. I had too many and I had a reaction.. it wasnt good that is all I have to say.. I almost died... but I Am here.. and I know I am supposed to fight for this.. the bulimia is kicking in hard.. but each day a new surrender.. hard.. but have to do it.. I want your book.. okay.. I live in the states.. usa.. so I will buy it off your website. thanks so much again Brenda Thank you Melinda I'll order your book as soon as possible hope I can find it here in Holland. When I was gaining weight I made myself a note on which I had written all the things I would eat for. Things like this will make me feel better, I need to eat because only than I'll be able to live my life as I would like it to be. It really helped me and I read it thousands of times before while and after eating. Anorexia isn't in control indeed although sometimes I'm just too tired to fight it. The negative thoughts are less then they were but are still there. I'm working on it with two therapists; one to talk with another one that does things to make me more aware of my body and make me more aware on my false believes about my body.It's still hard to believe positive things about myself my head doesn't want to hear positive things. But I know the positive things are true afterall. Thank you, love cynthia
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