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Your Emails and Insights
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There are so many stories of fear, courage and strength, to inspire us all. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences - they are all so very valuable in gaining a deeper understanding of these destructive illness and finding the strength and the will to stand up and fight. Although I continue receive a massive volume of emails I do reply to each and every one. It may take a week or two but I will endearvour to reply as soon as I can! Hi Melinda, I have had an eating disorder since I was 6 years old. That was when I realized that all my friends were skinnier than me and I was known as fat and unexcepted. I had compulsive eating problems up until I reached 9th grade and I weighed a whopping 185+ pounds. I woke up one day and decided out of the blue to just stop eating. I didn't eat for 4 months straight. Not one bite. I lost 80 pounds and went back to school after that terrible summer of starvation and was of corse popular and noticed. I got down to 104 by the time I married my x-husband, and my eating disorder took control of me. My husband left for the military (basic training) and because of my eating disorder, I started drinking alcohol and taking about 12-15 diet pills a day, just to make sure I was perfect for him by the time he got back. I don't know how small I got because I was so doped up all the time I was too weak or drugged to get out of bed. I ended up raped and put into a mental hospital for 5 days. My husband never came home to help me, even though he was ordered to by his superior. When I got out, I was more angry and hurt than before I went in. I ended up looking for comfort from someone else and I cheated on him. Because I let me eating disorder take control, I lost my whole life. I, at one time, even lost my family. I am now 4 weeks away from giving birth to my baby girl, and I am only 17. I am single and terrified. All I can think about is "I can't wait until I have this baby so I can quit eating again." I guess in a way, I am better now than I was before, because before I got pregnant, nothing could make me eat. NOTHING! If I ate even the smallest bite, I threw it up in an instant. I guess I was a typical "bulemorexic". Somehow, I found the strength to force myself to eat for the baby's sake. But instead of being in control, I am back to compulsive eating for fear that I will be the drastic opposite if I don't, and my baby will die. So, I now weigh a terrible 167 pounds. I look healthy and I (from what I am told) look extremely small for being so far along, but my mind has made itself up that I will go back to not eating the day I give birth. How can I be a good mother if I am still sick? How will I raise my child when I can't even get out of bed from lack of nutrition. I HAVE to lose the weight, and i have to be a size 1 again or I'll just die! Yet, after living on constant diets for 11 years already, I have found no quicker or "better" way than my disease. I am so scared of how obsessed I am and will be after the birth of my baby, and no one understands that even though I look healthy to them and I am eating regularly now, that I am going to go back to my usual habit after the baby is born. The only thing that makes me eat is the thought of my baby. Knowing that if I don't eat, I am starving this helpless life inside me. But once she isn't an issue I know what I will do and I know I can't stop it, nor am I sure I want to. I have all these stretch marks from being pregnant, and I'm so depressed at all the weight I have gained, and I hate not being able to consentrate on what's important. I just want everyone to know that if they can get help, do so before they have kids or try to settle down into a marraige. This "thing" will destroy everything you hold dear in your life and one day you will wake up and realize you gave up everyone who loves you for this disease, and you will be alone! Before it's too late you have to find help and do everything you can to get better. I just hope that my little girl will grow up and realize that she's beautiful no matter what and will not inherit my bad choices and my bad habits just to feel excepted. It isn't worth everything that it has costed me. Hi Melinda, hi... your name is melinda, well many call me smiley or i should say many did call me. ..and i am finally being strong enough to tell someone i have a eating disorder. YOU. i say i used to be called smiley because i used to smile a lot more before i began to gag myself. some people ask "why would anyone ever do that?"...because, there is so much pressure on todays girls and women it is insane. but having a eating disorder is also insane. i am a huge christian and i know God would be and is ashamed of me and my decision. i have only been throwing up for about 4 months but i have lost about 10lbs. i know that isnt as drastic as many peoples stores but i have realized that is drastic enough for me. i dont want to hurt myself anymore and i want to help other girls who dont want to either. no one ever called me fat but just seeing magazines and listening to tv shows did enough. everyone (guys in particular) are way more interested in skinnier girls. i now weigh 110 and well as some girls weigh down to 60 and sometimes below i want to stop and i can tell because like on your web site i hear voices telling me to stop and i know i can. i have started to pray about it and asked God for help. i havent thrown up in 2 days and that is good enough for me. i know i just keep blabbing on so i will stop. but thank you for helping me....since i have seen you site it has influenced me incredibly. thanks again....bye smiley Melinda, thank you for your great site. I am currently suffering from anorexia, I have been in IP and PHP programs, taken many different anti-dep meds and seen a host of professionals. I am even doing ECT(electro-convulsive therapy) but upon my last treatment(my fifth) I almost had a heart-attack because my body is too weak. I agree with you completely, your sight is in no-way a pro-ana site. It is very detailed, honest and it has a lot of thought and emotion in it. Thank you for sharing it with us all Amy Dear Melinda, I'm 15 years old. I've been bulimic for two years. Body image has always been main concern as i'm a dancer. Also, i never feel like i'm good enough. My parent think that it's easy for a teenager to be a straight A student , a school athlete and a dancer. It really isn't. They always say that i could have done better, i could have been more graceful, i could have performed a little better....could have, could have! Just last week, i decided to tell a teacher about it. He's helping me a lot , by helping me feel worthwhile . I don't throw up as much anymore. My self esteem is gradually increasing. He has decided to tell my mum when the time is right for me. He says that he won't tell her until i say i'm ready .But i'll die if my mum finds out. She'll probably never forgive me. My parents are not your average '" I'll always stick by you-if you have a problem" parents.They want me to be independant. Sometimes i feel that i have no control over my own life. They always make the rules. I've always wanted to be a dance teacher. But no, they told me that it was a waste of time. I wanted to be a sprts therapist, they said that it doesn't pay much. What can i do? I want to be able to have control over my own life. Maybe that's why i'm bulimic. So i can have control over SOMETHING in my life, where my parents can't take it way from me. Your site has helped me loads, and i cried.........but i'm still confused.....what should i do? I really need a 'friend' whom i can relate to....so pls, if anyone can help me, or just talk to me my email address is here. Thanx, PeiPei NOTE FROM MELINDA Dear Peipei Thank you for your email - I will post it on my site so others can reach you as well. You are not alone in this - I think you know that. Always remember one thing - it is your life; live it on your own terms. Make your own decisions, the ones that feel right for you and only you. The only justification you need tell your parents is 'because this is what makes me happy. This is what I'm passionate about. This is what I love to do and that will never change.' Follow your heart Peipei, go confidently in the direction of your dreams. You ARE in control of your own destiny. Believe in yourself and your own ability and trust your instincts. Hi Melinda, My name is Rebecca Want. Last year my boyfriend of 20 months broke up with me. This caused me to go into depression. I thought it might have been me, maybe i was to fat. From then on i decided to lose weight. I stopped eating for 3 days straight. That was a lot for me, i use to eat quite a lot for one person. After the 3 days i decided that i will only eat one meal a day and even that i would cut down by half. I did this for a few months. At first it was hard, i would be at work and all i would want was the tast of food in my mouth. But as time went by that feeling disapeared. I could not eat for a few days and i still would be hungry. My manager noticed i wasn't eating and was kind to me and tryed to help. But she didn't understand what i was feeling inside. Sometimes when i got angry i would run to the toilet and vomit. It would be out of revenge, to those who got me angry. I hated myself i thought that i deserved to die. I can say that i wasn't all there. i new what was happening to me and i was scared. i use to stay up late crying and just asking god to make me strong again. I didn't have many freinds around me at the time, and i felt all alone. I was affraid people would think i was after attention. i felt so alone in the world, like no one cared. Depression was what got me to that stage in my life. I lost a lot of weight in the last few months. I am not sure what it was that got me eating properly again. I think it was all the body image you see on t.v. I wanted to be skinny to the stage of anerexia. But i saw all the things on television showing what it does to your body. I started getting some support from friends. They saw i was depressed and wanted to see me happy again. They don't know what was happening inside my head. They just thought it was great that I was losing weight. Some people were saying that i was losing a bit to much, but i am happy with my self at the moment, which i havn't felt for a long time. I don''t think i had an eating disorder, but i feel i can relate to those who do have one. I now have more friends and i am at university studying. If my ex-boyfriend dosn't want to be with me then it's his lose, because i am a great person and fun to be around. I have been depressed for so long, i just feel it's time for a change...i want to be happy again. I am telling you my story for a reason. 1. i want to tell someone what i have been through. I havn't told anyone and if sure feels better to let it all out. 2 i just want to thank you for your support to all those who suffer an eating disorder. You are doing a great job. Let the world know what it's like, and that they arn't alone. Thankyou Rebecca Dear Melinda, I am twelve years old and have believed to have an eating disorder for the past three and a half years. I have been going into chats and have chatted with people who once had a disorder and have found that you are right, that it helps you when you tell other people about your sufferings, that our pains can be released. My sponser has told me about the twelve step program and so far she has sort of helped me release the pain I have kept in my mind, and yet I choose not to stop what I am doing, but I also don't want to die. I'm not close to anyone of my relatives and probably never will be. I just wanted to get back at my parents for not being perfect as well as myself for being anorexic and not even close to being perfect. Everyday as I walk down the stars I almost faint but I never cared about my body, I just felt if I accomplished something then I could commite myself to another and yet I am only doing this for attention of my depression in which happened three and a half years ago as well, but I hate people to feel sorry for me. All I want my parents to say to me is that I could talk to them when ever they are there and no matter what they would understand and still love me but I know they will never say that and that hurts me, I almost want them to force me to talk to them to tell them what is going on in my life. Your web site is another thing that has helped me talk to others about although I have not read any of your books yet the insights and poems and everything else has helped me to realize that I can relate to others that I'm not alone. I just wanted to tell you that you have a great web site and can relate to so many of us. Please email me back I need to know that you understand what I'm going through and that I am not alone. > Thank you so much, Ashley NOTE FROM MELINDA Dear Ashley I understand what you are going through only too well. You are not alone, believe me, there are so many people out there who are suffering from this awful disorder. I get inundated with emails every day from people who feel that they are so alone, and I just want you to know that. I understand that you are having difficulty with your parents, but I also believe that you should talk to them. Perhaps they dont' understand what you are going through. And even if you feel they dont want to know, or dont want to talk to you, sit them down and make them listen. Tell them how you feel. I promise, afterwards you will feel the greatest sense of relief. And however you choose to go forward from that point on, you will know absolutely, positively if you have their support. Talking to others really does help, but please be careful not to trap yourself in the world of anorexia because it is easier to talk about it, and to be influenced by other sufferers. Sometimes, you need to let go of a part of yourself, to move forward, to experience life, to allow yourself room to grow, room to get to know yourself. The world is full of so many beautiful, amazing things just waiting for you to explore. Never forget that. Recovery is definitely worth the effort. Dear Melinda, As i sit and read your site i feel the most overwhelming admiration for you and what you hope to acheive from the most inspirational web sites i have ever visited. You truly have touched the lives of many people whom i feel without you help could be all worse off. It is fantastic that many people have gotten help and are recovering. Unfortuneatly i am way beyond help. Due to be 21 this year i have suffered for almost 8 years of a variety of eating disorders and never sought help when i truly needed it. I have been in and out of hospital an spent the better part of 2 years there. Although out now i fear its only for a short while mostly i have been sent home to die, for the past 6 months i have been fed by a tube in my nose an i am no longer living i am mearly existing. I often feel the only reason for me still being alive is due to my girlfriend who i love very much we just met at the wrong time as there is nothing that can be done for me. i think i am what they call a lost cause. My case is extreme but without your help many others may have ended up like this and no-one deserves this living hell. your truly are one of those special people in the world and i thank you for that. must go now think my mum is sick of doing my typing for me. Keep up all the fantastic work you are doing an who knows about me we shall see what the future holds. All my love and support to all sufferers. Allison Hi Melinda, Thanks for a really nice site. My name is Anna and I´m 29yrs. I live in Sweden. I had a eating disorder from 1994-98. From what I´ve been reading on your site I have a few more steps to take before I`m completly recoverd. But my story is a little diffrent from the rest of the gang=) Back in that period my scale pointed to 53 kilogram and I`m 1.80 and I had all the anorexic signs. I did not want to get help, untill one day when I saw my self in the mirror and got scared of all the bones sticking out here and there. I got treatment but I droped out.Couldn`t bring my self to eat 5 times a day. But in novemer 1998 I didn`t get my period. I got worried phoned my doctor he told me to come and see him the next day. But I went to the pharmacy and got a little test. Later that evening I phoned my mum and told her that she was gonna be a grandma=) I had to fight hard and force my self to eat and make hot meals every day. I got my hunger feelings back and gained 6 kilos during the whole pregnancy. But I didn`t care,cause on the 15th of august 1999 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I`m so happy for him cause he changed my whole life. So when ever those nasty thoughts/voices are trying to come back as they sometimes do, all I have to do is to pick up my son and give him a BIG hug . I hope I can help other people with my story. Help them to see that life is way better then to slowly starve to death. I don`t ever want to be anorexic again. Good luck everyone! Anna Hi am currently recovering from a combination of anorexia and bulimia. i don't feel comfortable discussing the personal details of my battle with an ED, but i do want to say i think your website it wonderful. its honest, welcoming, and interesting. it honestly makes the reader feel at home, and not alone in the dark world of dieting. i continue to look at your website as reason and reinforcements during my recovery stage. thank you again liz Dear Melinda hi, my name is lindsey. i'm only 13 and i weigh 130. Three weeks ago i weighed 156. I know that if anything, im overweight, and i know i dont need help, but i am scared because i have all the symptoms. i think it might be happening to me, but when i tell my mom what im feeling, she says something like "oh, its just a phase" or " something's always wrong with you" i dont know what to do. ive heard the voices in my head for over a year no w, but until 3 weeks ago i ignored them. i just cant do that anymore. do you have any suggestions? NOTE FROM MELINDA: The more you listen to the voices, the more power you will give them, until they are controlling your every thought. This is really dangerous - please ignore them and think about all the things you are aiming for in life, all the exciting things ahead of you, and the people and things in your life that make you happy. Love and look after yourself, because you are special - it is the person that you are that makes you beautiful. I believe my sister in law to have anorexia or some type of eating disorder. She is 22 and only weighs 90-95 pounds. When I first met her, she weighed 125 pounds. She is extremely thin, to the point that you can see her bones even when she is wearing clothes. She claims that she is perfectly healthy. Hey for all I know, maybe she is. However, I am wondering and worried about her, as is her whole family. She started running 1 mile a day and is up to 6 miles a day now. However, she has not been feeling well lately, she is very tired and gets dizzy when she falls over. She went to the hospital and she claims the doctor told her that if anyone tells her that she is too skinny, that they are just jealous of her. She does not really eat when we are around her, but picks at her food. She takes pills before she eats and after she eats. They are a wide variety of pills from ones with aloe in them to ones that make her go to the bathroom. She carries a little ziplock of her pills when the family goes out to eat and takes them at the restraunt. He face structure has totally changed and is caved in and bony. She really has no figure at all and resembles the body of a child. When we try to talk to her about it she claims that she is healthy and she just excercises alot. Her husband feels that she looks perfectly fine and that there is nothing wrong with her body. I am really worried about her and don't know what to do or what to say to her. I am surprised that the hospital did not see her condition and realize that something is wrong with her. I don't want to wait until something extremely bad happens to her for anyone to do anything about it and try to help her, but on the other hand, she is very stubborn and would get very upset if we pushed the matter on her. I read some articles about people with eating disorders and I recognize a few characteristics in my sister in law. What do you think I should do, if anything and do you think that she has an eating disorder? Do you know of a web-site that I can go on and see how much a person of her age and height should weigh? Thanks for reading this and for any help that you can offer. hey, i am 19 years old. i have been in a cycle of anorexia/bulimia/overexercising for about 4 years now. this year, i decided that i would get help. it was working really well, and it was amazing to meet so many people who were willing to listen and even understood my problems. the problem is that it is so easy to go back. i am so tempted by the gym that is open 24 hours, by the cafeteria which is all you can eat.. i am so tempted to just eat breakfast, and then even taht seems like too much. my best friend just told me that she has an eating disorder as well.. it is kind of crazy bc for years we both ahd a problem but never told each other about it. i almost feel as though i gave it to her, because i had it before her. she is not looking for help though, she is still at a point where she likes it. we have decided to help each other not eat. i know that its the most destructive thing i can do, and i dont even WANT to look like i did when i was seriously anorexic.. but i just dont know what else to do. it is too overwhelming for me to recover right now. i just want to go back to that way of life, even though it is so painful. i just want to withdraw. i am tempted to not go to therapy anymore, and to just give in. but thank you so much for your website. thanks for reading. Love Cassie I have concidered talking to my mom, but every time I get up the nerve to do so,something in my head makes me not talk to her, because I am afraid she will get angry with me, and ignore what I am saying to her. Something I did'nt tell you, is that my mom is also 30 years old, which is what I think is part of the reason we sometimes don't get along, because of the closeness in our age. Did you ever feel like your mother absolutely hated you because of what you where doing to yourself? In other words, when you were anorexic, did you ever feel uncomfortable around her? I am usually home on Tuesday, Wednesday,part of Thursday, and some Sunday nights, and sometimes I feel like she just doesn't want me home because I am 19, and I should not be home at night. Some times, I get so jelous of my little brother and sisters, because I feel as if she loves them more than she loves me, because I lied to her and because I am not technically her child. Even though neither of us think of each other as step. I am especially jelous of my eleven year old sister, Kylie, because she is getting to the age where her and my mom are friends, and I feel like she likes being around Kylie more than me, because she loves her more, simply because Kylie never lied to her before. I am pretty good friends with my little sister Kylie, but sometimes my jelousy gets in the way, and I find it hard to get along with her, and I really don't want it to be that way at all. When I leave the house, my mom hardly ever says goodbye to me, or says that she loves me, and this hurts my feelings, because when Kylie leaves the house,she sometimes tells Kylie to have fun,and that she loves her. You may not have any advice for me concerning this e-mail, but because you are older, and have already gone through the rough stages in life, I would apriciate any advice that you might have for me. Thanks again, Laura NOTE FROM MELINDA Dear Laura You love your mom so much that the thought that you lied to her is playing on your mind. But loving someone also means trusting in what they tell you, and she told you she loves you unconditionally - and because she told you this, it means it is true. Have a heart to heart with Juli, tell her how you are feeling, share your fears and concerns with her because she wants to give you nothing but love. Sharing feelings with someone you love and trust can make so much difference to how you feel about things. Anorexia is not the answer - it will only bring you pain and heartache and you deserve so much more than this. Please talk to your mom, she knows you probably better than anyone and will be able to help you make sense of all those confusing thoughts and feelings. I am 30 years old, and have been recovered for 10 years. I have a special mom too, who really helped me through. I don't know what I would have done without her. Be brave, be strong and know that your mom loves you so very much. Hi Melinda, My partner has been struglling with anorexia for quite some time. Although she has seemed to stabilize at the moment, I know the mental aspect of the disease is still verymuch part of her day. She is counselling at present and I would like some information on where I could get your book 'How to Recover from Anorexia and Other Eating Disorders' that was spoken about in the Daily Telegraph on Monday 05/11/2001. I would like to buy it for her so she can gain some strength and understanding from the words you have written. Your help would be much appreciated, Peter Melinda, I just want to say that your website is wonderful. I just found it for the first time and as I was reading it I had such a feeling of comfort. I have been toying with the idea of anorexia for a long time now and have gone on and off of restrictive diets. My weight has dipped up and down in the past year, but not to any really unhealthy extremes. But I am definitely obsessed with my body image and don't go a day without examining myself in the mirror in disgust. Every time I decide to eat "normal" again I just feel guilty and start to deprive myself again. It is a constant cycle that never ends and although part of me wants to let it go, the other part of me is so afraid to. It is so hard for me to accept myself, I am perfectionistic and an over-achiever and am never satisfied with myself. Because I am a dancer I am constantly forced to look at myself in the mirror every day while being around other girls who are skinnier than me. It makes me feel so disgusting, even though people tell me I am skinny. I am so thankful that there is someone out there who cares so much and I want you to know how much I appreciate your loving and encouraging words. Kristi I need some help! I have a long and difficult situation, and would just like some answers. I just graduated college from a small christian college. I started dating a girl a year ago, we broke up a month or so ago. I knew she had a eating disorder when we started dating, but I did not know how serious it was she hid it well. She was very open with me, and we talked about it openly. She depended on me a l ot. We are both christain people and love God. We became more physical then we should have, or were ready to be. Let me tell you a little about her past, as far as I know, I always thought she was honest with me, but I have been having my doubts as of late. She was a great christian leader at her school, and was a goody two shoes as she said. She dated a guy, but never really was physical at all. He was abusive with her though he hit her a few times. She ended up breaking up with him, b/c he chea ted on her. Then, she came to the christian college in the same town as her local small high school that had a bad reputation with the college kids. So, her reputation was a girl from this high school, and the so called christian kids judged her for this, she hated that and began to hang out with the wrong crowds, and her high school friends. She began to drink, and go to parties, things she had never done. Her reputation got worse, and rumours started. One she would little things like kiss guys at these parties. She got drunk a total of about six times that year. One time she was with some friends and some guy friends from high school, and they druged her drink, and her girlfriends left her there, b/c they were jealous of her. And she knew something happened, b/c she woke up the next day, and was sore, and didn't remember a thing. She quetioned her one guy friend from church, and he said that he was the only one that did anything and he didn't rape her. She only told her friend. Then, that started the whole thing, but lately I think something else happened in her early years, b/c i read her journal and it said she has had this for 11 years from a tramatic exp. she never told anyone about she's 23. She feels a lot of guilt, from what I read in her journal, she quit drinking and didn't do it again until this summer. She had another tramatic exp. with a boyfriend 2 years ago he abused her some, and forced himself on her, in weak moments, her brother was in a coma from a car accident, she took that accident really hard and was hospitalized, and he would try stuff on her when they would come home from the hospital, she also had mono at this time. Back to us our relationship was going real well we were going out for 2 months and she came home with me, everthing seemed great. We started to ecome more physical, and she strated crying , I apologize d. But the next night was the same, and we became more and more until we were having sex. This took a huge toll. I know why God wants us to wait. I became more jealous, and started douting because it happened so fast, I know this was wrong. We knew what we were doing was wrong, and just didn't stop. I wish so bad I would have. Then on top of that I got injured, and missed my last 12 basketball games my senior year, I had a cast on my leg, I was the best player on the team, and basketball was my l ife I was planning on goin over seas to play pro. This took a toll on me, and my confidence, we began to fight, over her past mainly, b/c she never did anything wrong, but I was struggling and would take it out on her, she did lie, I think she still has skeletons in her closets that she never told, I don't know, it shouldn't matter, I loved her and have realized in t he past three months how wrong I was, and have expressed that. She went to Renfrew this summer a eating disorder center, and I visited her there, we had talked and were talking about marrige after she graduated this year. She came home and nothing was the same, she acted diffirent, she started smoking there, and didn't tell me until a month b/c we took a break. Because, her therapists said she needed time to get better. I agreed b/c we fought a lot that week she came back from renfrew over stupid stuff I was so wrong. We still loved each other, and didn't want to but knew it was best. She started drinking to sleep at night in her room, and was smoking. I didn't find this out until a month ago when she came up to break up with me. She wrote me letters about her love for me. And I wrote so many apology letters, she is the greatest girl I ever met, and I have realized I was so wrong. Now, she's back in school, and she started drinking, hanging out with people she would have never talked to before, the wrong crowd. She says she don't pray b/c God is nosy. She lost a good friend to cancer a few years back, and me and her other good christian friends graduated last year so, the only people she has to hang out with are bad influences, but they are 18-21 and she is almost 24, but this makes no difference to her. I have been so patient, and haven't said one mean thing, just loving, and kinds words, but she knows whats right and wrong, she has began to go to parties, and got drunk with on e of my friends from my hometown who she knew I wasn't fond of, nothing happened, but she evdently said she was interested in him, and this was one week after we broke up. I have visited her 2 since we broke up a montha ago. And the visits go real well, but the drinking don't stop, and the lying has got worse. She don't want to be corrected by anyone. Is this normal is she trying to hurt me, or herself? She dresses different, acts different. But she still says she cares about me, and would never hurt me. And the way she acts when we are alone is as if nothing has changed, but we aren't physical anymore. She said she didn't mean for that to happen with my friend, and they don't hang out anymore. but he says that she acted interested when she wasn't drunk, I don't know who to believe either. Just looking for some answers. NOTE FROM MELINDA: I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. It sounds to me as though this girl needs some space to sort herself out. Until she is ready to confront her fears and insecurities about what she has been through, it will be difficult for anyone to help her. I know you are trying to do the right thing and be there for her, and I really admire that. But you also have to think about yourself and the way that you feel - if she is hurting you and upsetting you, it may be time to spend some time away from her until you sort out how you really feel as well. In any case, she needs to work herself out because the way she is acting is as though she is rebelling against something, and unfortunately, you are the one getting hurt by her behaviour. Perhaps have a heart to heart with her, tell her how her behaviour is making you feel, that you care about her but cannot keep getting hurt like this. It may help her to reflect on what she is doing, and what she really wants. It may help her realise that her actions are hurtful - perhaps she doesn't realise what she is doing. In any case, talk to her and be honest about how you feel. This is the best place to start. From there, make a decision about whether or not you want to keep her in your life, because your happiness is at stake and important too, not just hers. Dear Melinda, I am 13 years old and have had anorexia for one year. At the beginning stages I was 106 pounds. My lowest weight was about 86 pounds. That was when half my heart shut down and I had a seizure in April. I am still underweight and going through the process of recovery. I would like to thank you for creating this website for I have found it very useful. The biggest problem I am going through right now is learning to accept my body, and not the image that I see in the mirror, since it is only what I can see and not others. So thank you once again for explaining the feelings of me and millions on other girls and women affected by this horrible illness. Jaclyn Munson Hi Melinda, I bought a copy of your book and I just want you to know that I am only a quarter the way through and I am feeling better already. I didnt realise I was such a 'text book' case. I am so lucky I have learnt of my illness before any further damage is done to my body. Today "I gave myself permission" to eat lunch early rather than starve myself and then eat less than my two year old. So far your book is helping me BIG TIME. I will keep you posted on my recovery and I hope that I do not relapse!!! This is my greatest fear. Love to you. Anita Dear Melinda, Thank you for writing back, iT was quite a surprise, but a good one of coarse!!! :) I had a visit with the doctor in my out-patient program last week, and my weight loss made her go psycho and threaten hospital. I had to go on a 2 day hike this week, and my therapit made it clear that this was my chance to prove myself. I was so determined to show everyone i could beat this, i could be trusted and nobody was going to stand in my way. But the night before i left i lay ther crying because i was so scared that i may not be able to. It was my chace to prove myself, but if i couldnt then i was faced with the cnsequence of hospital. I made it!! -my weight remained constant. I made myself eat no matter how bad i felt. Only a little-but better then none. I got home and everyone was so pleased. But now that everyone has breathed a sigh of relief i can feel this feeling saying "great, now thy're off your case a bit, we'll just work a little bit harder and be a bitmore descrete". I dont have the determination i had to recover. I want to go back to my old routines. How did you find the strength to not give into the voices and wake up each morning with the same enthusiasm as the day before? I don't know if i was genuine about getting better or if was just a foolish attempt to get everyone off my back. Where do i go from here??? thank you for replying, it is great to talk to someone who knows what i'm feeling because you've been there....and much worse! It is great to have that sort of understading and know my fears are not unique to me. Carly Dear Melinda Hi, I arrived home today from South Africa. Had a good time and enjoyed it. The hard thing though was always eating at resturants and having to pick what i was going to eat. many times, i listened to the anorexia voice, knowing that i would have to get something, "so then why not get a salad." so i did that...... a good thing though came out of it all - I thought alot about how i want my life to be, a reaslised that i really do want to get better. I dont know how I will, but I know that its in my hands and i"m the one who has to make the decision to change. My friends saw the segmant on 'A Current Affair' about your book. I was unfortunately still away. Do you know if there is any way that I could get a copy of it to have a look? I would love to see it. Jen Dear Melinda I have a daughter that just turned 15, three days ago. We have been arguing over the past 4-6 months about her eating habit. She just doesn't want to eat-ever. She has not had a period in almost 2 months, so I made her a doctors appointment last week. We found out there that she has lost 25 pounds in the past 6 months and that is the cause of her not menstruating. The Dr. also mentioned the beginning of anorexia. I new that she wanted to loose weight, but now she has gone to extremes. My daughter is 5'8". She was weighing in at 159 lbs. and now she's at 134 lbs. When we went to the Dr. I had mentioned to them about making her eat one meal a day and they told me not to force her to eat. It's a control thing. Now that she heard the Dr. say for me not to force her to eat she has just given it up all together. At least prior to going to the Dr. she would eat some dry cereal and spoonfuls of peanut butter. Whenever we go to the grocery store she is always checking the calories and fat grams in food. Now she just won't eat anything. When she gets home from school today I am going to show her your site. I'm hopping that maybe it will help her. She has also started in counseling and next week they are going to put her on anti-depressants for her mood swings. She is always making comments on how fat she is and she exercises daily. She does at least 300 crunches a day. We have also talked to her about the damage she's doing to her body and what can happen if she continues not to eat, but nothing seems to help. I am at my wits end with this and I have a fear of what's to come. Do you have any suggestions for a mom to help her child and overcome the fear of what can happen to her? NOTE FROM MELINDA: It is so hard to watch someone you love slipping into the grips of anorexia - my heart goes out to you and your daughter. She needs to admit to herself that there is something wrong before she can find the will to change her eating habits and thought patterns - seeking help from a therapist in this early stage will be of great benefit as it will give her someone impartial to talk to who will also tell her that her behaviour is dangerous and unhealthy - this may help her to realise that she is on a destructive path that only she has the power to change. As a mother, unconditional love and support is all you can do for her - try not to become frustrated or angry with her as this will fuel hostility and she will feel guilty because she is hurting you, which may make her feel worse about herself. Try not to draw too much attention to her behaviour but at the same time keep an eye on her - treatment is the best option because health professionals have the ability to guage how needs to be treated, and will talk to her openly about what is troubling her. Also, my book 'Fighting for Life' will give you an insight into what goes on in the mind of someone suffering from anorexia - it is based on my own experiences and is written to help those close to someone suffering better understand what they are going through and why. It may also be an idea if you talk to the Eating Disorders Support Network - my site has a link to thier details - they have telephone counsellors who will be able to answer any questions you have, and you an also talk about how you feel as a mother, which really helps (it helped my mum) and they also can provide advice on how to best handle your daughter's behaviour. Hello Melinda. My name is Lesley and I have just recieved an e-mail that you sent my daughter. I'm heart broken to tell you that Kelly died in hospital 3 weeks ago. She never got to read the beautiful words of encouragment that you wrote. Anorexia took her life, she was a beautiful 21 year old girl, my baby. Kelly had a lot to offer the world, she was bright and bubbly, always laughing and joking and very popular. Unfortunately she was scarred from being abused by her father and had grown to hate herself and the world around her. Its my fault I could not stop her. Kind Regards Lesley |