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Your Emails and Insights
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I continue to receive many emails every day, some thanking me for providing an
anonymous vehicle through which to feel less alone and find some answers, some
sharing their inner most fears, thoughts and feelings. Through these pages it is my
dream to be able to reach out to those who are suffering, or who are close to someone
suffering, and be able to show that through all the pain, fear and anguish, there
is some hope. Recovery is possible. The strength comes from within yourself. Below are more inspiring messages and insights into the battle raging within. My heart is with you all. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences - they are all so very valuable in gaining a deeper understanding of these destructive illness and finding the strength and the will to stand up and fight. Although I receive a large volume of emails I do reply to each and every one. Hi Melinda, I have just been to your site for the first time and i think it is beautiful. I have had an eating disorder for about 4 years now. I started off being anorexic.... living on 500 calories a day while keeping up a very strict fitness schedule. I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and we got married last year. I was doing very well recovering when i met him but recent events have caused me to go back into those old comfy habbits and some new ones as well. While i am not anorexic because it is very hard not to eat at all when you live with someone else, I have begun to throw up everything I eat. I don't binge but I make myself sick after eveything I eat. I find your site very helpful to just look at and consider when I am feeling rough. Thank you for using your experience to help others. Sarah Hi Melinda, Hey, i just started being bulimic about three months ago. Seeing things like this makes me really realize its a serious problem. Thankyou, maybe because of this I won't end up that way. Blyth I'm 17 and I'm 5'9" and 105 lbs. I think I'm becoming anorexic because I never eat anymore and when I look in the mirror all i see is fat. I'm not depressed though and I'm still going to parties on the weekend with my friends so I don't shut myself up in a room and think only about that. Right now I just don't eat snacks and I skip some meals and the meals that I do eat I don't eat all of it. Can you please email me back and tell me what you think?? Jamie NOTE FROM MELINDA: Skipping meals and restricting food intake is the first sign that something is not quite right. My site is here to force the reality that an eating disorder causes pain and heartache, and for anyone who is contemplating ed behaviour, to help you realise that you will end up spiralling into a dark world that will only bring you pain and lonliness. Please don't pursue skipping meals and avoiding snacks - an eating disorder will snatch away everything that you love in your life. Please stop now before it becomes too late; know that you deserve to live a wonderful life filled with laughter and happiness. Dear Melinda, I have always my myself obbessed with my weight even when I was thin. I have a hard time buying clothes. I love to buy food and I often dream of food and what I want to eat. I also am very interested about eating disorders. I am totally aware that I have one. But at the same time I deny it to myself. I have binges then use laxatives. And I have starvation times. I love to go out to eat and at the same time I hate it. I always feel really bad after I eat whether it be a little or a lot. I know I have to stop at some point in my life but I have a fear of being fat. I saw your web-site and thought I would e-mail you because I have talked to several people in my family and they don't really understand. Or think that it is controllable and I am doing this to myself. My mother has always battled weight and so has my sister so they see nothing wrong with what I am doing and sometimes share in the binging and starving. Nichole I am starving. I can smell pizza in the next room but I am incapable of going in there and eating it. I have been having a lot of problems lately. I don't think that my problems are that much worse than everyone else's but they are still bad. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past two years. I suffered four major anxiety attacks in school, and as a result an ambulance had to take me away because I was either unconcious or imobilized. After the attacks I started to scrape my arms really deep with a screw that I found on my bedroom floor whenever I got mad or depressed. I have terrible scars all over my arms and my friends have asked me about them. I lie to them, but I don't have to lie to my mother because she doesn't pay enough attention to see them. Maybe that is why I do it, so that she will notice for once. The scars are so bad that I have stopped cutting myself. Now I've moved on to not eating and overdosing on painkillers (something that also landed me in the hospital). The thing is that I love to suffer. I hate starving but at the same time I crave it. What would make me love to suffer? I am very active in school sports and even at home I have an exercise routine. I have cut my eating down to 600 calories a day and by the end of the day those 600 calories are long gone. I don't feel anorexic because of the fact that I limit my calories, but as I read your site it seems that I may be. I am so hungry but I won't let myself eat. Everyone is worried about me and the school is threatening to kick me out and forcing me to go to a clinic to get help against my mothers wishes. I want help, but at the same time I am so scared of it. Emma I am sixteen years old. I have been struggling with anorexia nervosa since I was ten. I want it to stop!! Every day I feel weaker and more out of control. I know that if I do not stop it, I will die. I do not want to die. I began starving myself at such a young age for a number of reasons. My father was very abusive and controling. He beat my mother. My brother and myself were not allowed to have any friends nor to go anywhere. Food was the only thing In my life which I felt like I could control. Now, food controls me. My mother and father are divorced, and my mother and brother have moved on in their lives, they are happy. My mother is a lesbian. I haven't moved on, I am still stuck in the past. My depression consumes me, and I resort to the only form of control that I know. I must make it stop, before it is too late. Do you believe it is possible, do you believe in me? I think it is great what you are doing. I'm doing an assignment on anorexia nervosa and was looking at your site and nearly cried. I never thought that it was such a big problem. If I had anorexia your site would help me heaps. From Samantha Dear Melinda, Just a quick note to say congratulations on your site, it rocks! I live in Sydney and developed a full blown eating disorder 3 years ago. I fall into the category of EDNOS which I find very confusing as a diagnosis, it's like no one can tell me what is really wrong. Doctors say "well, you sort of have anorexia, but not really." I printed out your page on EDNOS and it has helped me to understand my disorder a little better. it helps to have solid information on it, to acknowlege it is real and it is a problem. I was in hopital for 6 months last year and only just now can I say I am beginning to recover. And you know what? It feels great! All these emotions that I never experienced because I would block them out with eating disordered behavior are now part of my life. Happiness, saddness, desires and aspiritions. It is scary. And I find the scariest emotion of all is happiness. For so long it has been a stranger that it is quite uncomfortable to feel it's presence once again. This year I am finishing school, after having to drop out of my HSC last year, I am working two jobs and I am surrounded by friends and family. These things I am so grateful for because in hospital they are all taken away.You are left with nothing but youself and the eating disorder to face. I think the most thrilling realisation of all is that IT IS POSSIBLE TO RECOVER!!!! If anyone told me this 2 months agao, even yesterday, I would not have believed them. It is exciting to challenge your own reality, test the unbending rules and truths you have created for yourself. It is liberating. I just wanted to share this with someone and thankyou for your generous time put into helping others. Know that what you are doing is worthwhile and you do have an effect on people - even those you don't know. Ophelia YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR SITE HAS HELPED ME THROUGH MY PAIN AND MY PROBLEMS! I JUST WANTED TO THANK U SOOO MUCH FOR WRITING THATR AND OUTTING IT ON THE INTERNET FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!! IT HELPED ALOT!! Dear Melinda I sent you an e mail a while back and you replied and I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write back. Since you have written I have been thinking alot about what you said. I told you that i wasn't sure if I had an eating disorder and I couldn't talk about it to my parents. You told me to confide in one person I could trust and I did. I told a teacher at my school but she became so worried about me that she just had to tell my parents. For a couple of days I was really angry at her, felt as if she had betrayed my trust but now I know she did it to help me. Deep down I know I have a problem but its hard to admit. Sometimes I deny it. Mum took me to a dietian and she talked heaps about the importance of food and stuff. I have to write down everything I eat for a week but I'm tempted to add things so I woun't have to go again. One voice in my head is saying 'be truthful!' and the other is saying that if I lie I wont have to keep going. I know what I should do but it seems as if the things I know about anorexia and stuff don't apply to me! My life is getting worse and worse everyday... I used to have my best friend and my teacher to talk to about how I was feeling but my best friend is now too busy with her new boyfriend and I'm worried about talking to my teacher again. Sometimes I feel life isn't worth living! Love Lisa NOTE FROM MELINDA: I understand where you are right now - things seem really bad and the world has turned on you - you are right about your teacher, she did what she did out of love for you, not for any other reason. Listen to the voice telling you to be truthful - this is the way out of this world you are in right now. If you listen to the other voice, the one that is lying to you, you will keep going backwards and things will just become worse for you. You have a strength within - I can tell that from your emails. This is the answer - draw on all your strength, next time you hear the lying voice, talk back to it, tell it you refuse to listen to it any longer and that you are in control now, not it, that you will only trust in yourself and what you know to be true. And trust in your Mum and your dietician - they will never lie to you and will always do whatever they can to help you. Life is hard at the moment I know, but on the other side of your ed, life is beautiful, and there are so many opportunities just waiting for you. Try writing down everything you want, your dreams, whether it be to sing, to dance, jazz ballet, play the sax, become a lawyer, write, paint, whatever, write it down and look at your list everytime you feel down - this is what is inside of you, what you love to do. Spend some time doing the things that make you happy. And talk to your teacher again - she will listen to you for as long as you need to talk. Teachers are wonderful, loving, giving people. I know because it was my English teacher who helped me find the courage to tell my parents. Don't be afraid - take these steps and I promise, you will find yourself again. I'm 27yrs of age and have lived every aspect of this so called life, since I was 12yrs old. I am not a believer of any kind of recovery for this disease. It has already won. And whats a good day after a bad 15yrs!!! I'm 27 and I feel i've lost my childhood, my teenhood, my family and friends b/c I hide from them (so they won't see and feel my pain), my biggest feeling is a feeling of LOSS and that's not even enough to fill up my apartment. I'm mad and can't stop screaming any more. I can't tell you what feeling is worse, vomiting, having to look at the toilet again, or the bottle of icepack vs. the side affects from the pills....dizziness, shakes, loss of attention, irritable, tired... but cant sleep, cant think, headaches everyday. But, they work! And which is really doing the worst damage. You can only learn how to deal with your disease because it controls us! Hi Melinda, this is Kailyn. Thank you for replying to my email! Since i wrote to you the first time, i have started seeing a psychiatrist, my panic attacks have all but gone, i have started taking antidepressants and i have been in recovery for just over a month. And my there be many more of them! Hows that for improvement?! I have also unsubscribed from the pro ed sites, and i will never go there again. I have made a lot of friends recovering from eds over the net instead. Yay for recovery! Love Kailyn I'm going to be well, so many things are playing a part in that and you are one of them. Hi, I just found your site today, I am 16 years old and have suffered for the last two years without courage to fight ED. I am looking for help to break free from this but its so scary. I really congratulate people who have seem they have needed the help and have spoken theses people have so courage and I give the best to theses still in the monsters grip. I really like your page it has given me some hope to make a change. thank you heaps. Gemma Today i feel fat....i have felt it for along time but have pushed the evil little thoughts to the back of my head. But they were as clear as ever today. As i started my sandwich the stabbing reality of how much fat and calories were in it suddenly flashed through my head. Suddenly my hips grew..its amazing how they grow in two minutes flat. I was no longer a size 8, but a size 18, after one little sandwich. And i made myself nearly cry as i imagined the scales going up 10 kg. I knew very well that this was ridiculous. Never the less I bought a bottle of diet coke and swore that would be all id have that day. As i stepped out of the car that afternoon my legs felt like jelly, and my head felt dizzy. I suppose so little to eat on a 35 degree day was not healthy. So i lay down waiting for my head to stop spinning. My insomnia crept up on me then and i fell into a deep sleep, only to awake to the aroma of my mums cooking. I nearly stopped myself, but my weaker side won as I sat down to the dinner table. 50 tiny bites later I found myself bent over the bathroom sink, water running incase someone heard. And as i suspected there was no miracle that allowed me to bring up the food I had allowed myself to eat. Just like every other time my eyes watered, and I dry reached.....then gave up. I went out for a smoke instead promising mysef like every other time that I WOULD lose 10kg, that I would not eat EVER again. And here I am awake at 1am, stomach grumbling with hunger, getting my thoughts down on paper. My right hand scribbling whatever may come into my head, my left hand feeling all over my body for bones. Bones that reassure me that I am not too fat. Will I ever succeed? Or will it always be like this, restricting food for a week or so, before giving into the pleasures of food. I would like to thankyou for all your work towards helping people with eating disorders. You spoke to my grade last year and told us about Eating Disorders and your book, this helped on of my good friends who was very worried about her image and hardly ever ate while at school or around other people. I would also like to encourage you in all of your work in helping others because I agree that everyone should be able to love themselves for who they are. Lara Hi Melinda, I really appreciated this site...though some of the pictures are scary I really want to commend you for making sure you dont hide the ugly facts of eating disorder. Im 19 years old and the past two years I was having an obsessive problem with my self image and my weight. I skipped eating both breakfast and lunch and i would always explain that I never had time for them...even though I really did. I would always hear my stomach growl and I would be lightheaded for long intervals but I told myself that I will overcome my need to eat when I can control my hunger and a few weeks after that my stomach wasnt growling as much anymore and I thought I have overcome it. My sister soon introduced this liquid that was supposed to speed up your metabolism and it was designed for obese people only. She paid a lot for it and we were only supposed to take one teaspoonfull after every meal, but I got too carried away and I started taking one tablespoonful after every meal, and in a few days feeling satisfied with feeling thin, I took it in between meals, if I was ever eating at all....nobody suspected this even my parents because they were uninformed. My boyfriend got worried that I was getting too thin but that just inspired me and complimented me more rather than insulted me. So I kept on doing that until I missed my period and felt exhausted day in and day out. When I went to my aunt's I measured my weight and I saw that I lost 10 lbs in a few weeks...but I was getting dizzy most of the time. This went on for a few more weeks and the only time I decided to stop was when I realized that I was probably getting too sick and all because I was trying to maintain a figure that was eager to please those who look upon it. I realized that I was exhausted every day and that I was never in the mood to just hang out with friends and have a good time, because I was always depressed and sleepy. I was pretty much lethargic for the most part of the day and I can hardly concentrate on my studies. There was one time when I was sitting in my classroom trying to concentrate on what my geometry teacher was saying and getting terribly bored, when my heart started pounding really fast and my palms got all sweaty. I got so dizzy that I almost blacked out...my temples were throbbing really hard and I broke out in a cold sweat. I was near unconscious that I couldnt even get up there and tell my teacher that I needed to go the health office and I was having an emergency...even laying my head down was difficult enough, and it didn't help one bit. Remembering that incident, whether it was from my eating disorder or not, I realized that I was being stupid by acting this way. There were many times when I had to, like really had to, almost like an obsession to work out right after I eat a big meal. I got sore throats pretty easily, and furthermore I didnt feel the need to go to school, because I feel like I'm forced to socialize with friends when I didnt want to, and forced to concentrate on my schoolwork when all I wanted to do was sleep. It took me a while, like 2 months or more to get over my disorder. I didnt want to admit that I had a disorder in front of anyone...but I faced it myself when I was alone and slowly I made myself eat again...a few amounts, and gradually increasing them and trying to suppress that evil thought that Im getting fat again...it's recurring everytime I sit down and eat, no matter the amount. Now through a lot of help from my boyfriend, I managed to control my disorder and now I eat 3 meals a day with snacks between them, and I still have my ideal weight. Gradually Im losing that guilty attitude that I get every time I eat a big meal or even a small one, but I must admit that it's really hard to completely overcome this disorder, there are still times when I look in the mirror and exaggerate the little flab that I see on my waist or on my thighs and then I get the urge to work out again or go on a diet. But I have more strength now to overcome this thought and just distract myself on other things like reading or listening to music or talking to friends...that's the only solution i have right now of overcoming destructive thoughts. I'm on my way to recovery though, and Im not completely healed yet but Im sure of one thing, I would never want to go back that path again, so much time is wasted on worrying about your self-image and how people view you, time that you could spend with God, family and friends and enriching your life with their company and your prayers....comparing yourself to others, physically, should never be your priority or your goal in life..there are so many things out there that would give you the satisfaction and that feeling of accomplishment that you think you will get by starving yourself. On the contrary, what you only achieve in starving yourself is destroying your peace of mind, your health and sacrificing your social life. Maryanne Hi Melinda, I am a 17 uear old girl who has battled with Bulimia for nearly 2 years now and i wan't to thank you for finally making me see sense. I even took it to the stage of lying to the pschologist that I was seeing so that everyone would leave me alone to get on with it. Your site has made a big difference to me and i wan't to tell you that after typing this I am going to go downstairs and phone my pschologist and tell her that I am now ready to accept her help. Thanks again Louisa Dear Melinda, I just want to thank you so much for your website. I had only really been not eating anything for about two weeks when I first went to your site. It helped me realize the seriousness of what I was doing to myself and that I don't need to starve myself to be beautiful. When I read all of the letters that were sent in to you I cried for three hours because I could understand everything they said perfectly. I gues s it hit too close to home. I'm happy to say I've been eating normally for a week, and even though sometimes i want to skip meals or purge, I'm going to try to continue eating healthily and stop obsessing over my body image. Caitlin Dear Melinda Our names are Sarah and Rachel, and we are 14 and 15 years old. We are both suffering from anorexia nervosa. We found your page very helpful and inspiring, because we don't want to look like those models that you showed on your web site. Both of us want to get our lives back and don't want to die, and looking at those pictures made us realize how serious the disease can really become, and it's not glamorous at all and it's accually really gross. We are both in a program trying to get help right now.Thanks for your great website. Rachael & Sarah Dear Melinda Reading these emails, all these frightened voices reaching out to strangers because they can't confide in those they know and love, are painfully familiar to me. Just over a year ago one of them was my own. In the early hours of the morning, while my family was sleeping, I too would sit at my computer, surrounded by food (some times I was so desperate for fat I would mix up raw cake batter and eat it) and try to make some kind of contact with somebody. I would feel fat and guilty and greasy and disgusting, and then even though I was dead tired and wanted to just fall into bed and sleep all through the next day, I would make myself vomit. Then I would sit in the bathroom, staring down into the putrid toilet bowl, and wonder why on earth I could not stop myself from eating all that food. And I would vow to never binge again, knowing in my heart that the next time, I would not be able to stop myself either. It was this absolute helpless ness, the way the bulimia was controlling my life, that really scared me. Looking into the future, all I could see was this neverending, disgusting cycle of bingeing and purging. I felt abnormal, and alienated myself from my friends and family. Although I love my parents and sisters dearly, I just couldn't tell anyone. I was trying to cope with this huge problem all on my own, and putting on a happy face was becoming harder and harder, so hard that eventually my mind and my body just gave up. After being a chronic bulimic for two years, I suffered a severe nervous breakdown. I still re member the night - I began to feel strange, as though I couldn't control my actions any longer. I managed to call my mother and blurt out that I had bulimia, and that I couldn't cope with life anymore. I was hospitalised for two months, and then began the slow journey to happiness. I am now 20 years old, and almost fully recovered. My weight is no longer the focus of my life, and I never throw up my food. I am no longer staying up all night and eating. Bas ically, I am free. A giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, a weight I had been stumbling around beneath for two whole years of my life. I look back on these years that I wasted and now that I can think clearly, I understand that if I had have shared my problem with just one person instead of bearing the weight and pressure of this horrible disease on my own, my path to recovery could have begun much sooner. My family has been my saviour, and have treated me with nothing but understanding, support and love. The reason I am sharing this with you is to tell you all that you are never, ever alone. You are NOT abnormal, and you are NOT to blame. People with cancer or diabetes don't feel too guilty to ask for help, and neither should anyone suffering from the ILLNESS of Anorexia or bulimia. Please, please tell somebody your secret - if not your family then maybe a friend, a counselor or your school guidanc e counsellor. All those times when you feel your heart crying out, silently, for help - I can promise you that there are people who can pro vide that help. The feeling you get from telling somebody - just saying those words 'I can't cope with this anymore' - is absolutely amazing. And I can promise you this - allthough you can't see it, there is an end to your horrible suffering. The recovery is difficult, as you can imagine, but it is nothing compared to the heartache and loneliness and pain you are feeling right now, at this very moment. Please email me at aidakron81@hotmail.com about anything - a problem shared is a problem halved. I believe there is more truth to this old saying than in any other words I can imagine. Aida I just went through your site. Very good. Inspirational. Philanthropic.Well, you certainly have a thorough site. This,I believe, makes it appealing to ALL people w/ eating disorders . I read all the e-mails and noticed (w/o surprise ) there were no males. I take that back - one male. You all know the statistics -about 95% of anorexics are women. Well, having been anorexic from 14yrs to 27, I feel the need to say to all out there that hey! there are anorexic males out there. And we are not necessarily gay, as many seem to assume. Personally speaking, I did not have the exact same fears or obsessions about my weight as so many of the female anorexics have expressed. There are many similiar thoughts, of course .For example, I hated to eat around people and thought I was superior to them because "I can -and they were to weak to-resist eating for days. AND I can do LOTS of exercise with no food in my system -I am so mentally and physically superior! I am a superhuman. Call me Superman if you like ,it's cool." Oh ... but when I was alone and the haunting thoughts started to begin..." So you are 'superman' HA! Bet you can't starve another day AND run your 'super 6' miles AND hit the weights -w/o drinking any water!" Or maybe that Anorexic Satan would sardonically smile ,stroke his wiry goatee and say, casually but... incisively "So, looks like YOU'RE in control of everything in your life ." Every day. Every minute I thought about FOOD ! I was so "weak" to its sensual SEDUCTION. Without giving too much analysis of the syndrome, I would say that my anorexic thoughts focused in 3 areas: Starvation/self -control; exercise as will power/discipline; and not having ANY bodyfat ONLY muscle. There is probably not too much difference in male and female stymptoms of anorexia. That said, I do believe the media, in portraying anorexics as female in 100% of cases may cause any male with anorexia to be fearful of admitting it, risking possibly the threat of being perceived as less of a man. For this reason,I sincerely believe that there are many more male anorexics out there than what statistics show. By way of dislosures from courageous males such as musician Daniel Johns from the alt-grunge Silverchair and a better understanding of the dynamics of the male anorexic, hopefully more will step out of their self imposed gag- orders and secret hells to seek Help. I am now 31yrs. old and even though I am recovered for about 4 years I still feel ashamed to admit to ANYONE that I once had anorexia. At least bulimia has a fairly large number of male sufferers and so you are "o.k." if you are male. But a male with anorexia ? "What is wrong with YOU ?" The stigma can be great but the disservice may be even greater. I wish there was a way to get this more exposed.I would definitely reveal my thoughts and past if it could help any one AT ALL. Have any ideas? Once again I commend you for your efforts and your insights. You help others -what greater gift can any human being give? You have helped me today.I think our (those helped) goal would be to pass along the support and love. For Love is the greatest love. Mario G |