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Your Poems
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Hungry-House Vision
by
Charlotte Tonkinson 2004
I wrote this about my eating disorder but i dont know if anyone else will understand it-
here for you to read anyway. I love your web page- i'm trying to recover.
Luv Charlotte
Crouched ontop old mattresses piled ceiling hight, So high in three rows, The middle row is slightly lower, It talks as we crawl over it to the other. We balance on the off-white, tea-stain old fabric, Trying not to tip the heap. Giggling as we notice the cobwebby space We feel through weak cloth underneath us. Hoping not to fall through the depth of springs We clamber to a safer corner of the mattress. We don't speak of earlier, why bother? 'Before' is unimportant as we lay blissfully Together in our magical haven, We are in our perfect place. "Beautiful golden princess, Flawless fairy, You are more real than reality." Our hands touch And as we hug We become each others sanctuary. are you listening to my prayers,
okay, well i just turned 14, but unfortunately i had to spend my birthday in the hospital.
this is a poem that i wrote a while ago, when it was all starting (the eating disorder).
And i am a very stong believer in God, and Jesus.do you hear what i have to say? have you heard my mistaken swears, that come at the end of the day? i feel me falling further apart from the one i've known so long, i ask you can you let me please re start because i know i have been wrong. i've seen my life past by so fast as if i were in a dream, oh please don't let this feeling last, or i feel i will scream. it hasn't been that much time, but yet i already start to regret all the things i've concidered a crime, for them i cannot forget. please let me find you again Lord, let me rest my soul at ease please don't let me hurt Lord, help me find you please. could anyone understand the things that go on in my mind? no one can soothen this hand for this world is not very kind. don't stop youself from looking for there is truth to be found. the world is always cooking to and from every little sound. this world is very cruel, yet there are many who understand the pain and sorrows we go through yet they drift away like sand. i do know one thing though that may help others too it is that love may be the only way to help you get through i'm getting help now! and i have more hope too. i haven't really begun to get the help i need, just interviews and such, but i am looking forward to it. till then i won't try to end. thats why i was in the hospital. well, i want you to know that all that you do is a real big help. it helps alot to read things like that and hear things like that. thank you! Katrina I write a lot of poetry to help me be at peace with myself. It is my way of escaping from the pain. I am 20 years old and have suffered from anorexia for one year. Here is one of my poems that I have recently wrote.
It's on her mind all day
telling her to succeed keeping it to herself a misconcieving deed she tries to maintain the smile on her face one of which is broke in desperate need of replace her mind contains guilt but tries to stay real afraid to ask for help while skipping every meal she tries to be positive but living in pretend in her world all alone with no ont to comprehend in belief that one day she could finally return to a life that is normal from her mistakes she would learn her secrets burn inside an indefinite sea of black hopes eventually faded her dreams are soon to lack This is a poem, i got from the RGA (royal guides dogs association) and it represents to me, my best friend, and the way in which she helped me get throught the worst times in my ED. Thanks Jacq A FRIEND
A friend who's there to comfort you, When your world comes tumbling down, A friend to help rebuild your dreams, When they shatter on the ground. A friend to lend a helping hand, In the Autumn of your time, A friend to lend your heart some hope, When hope's so hard to find. A friend who's there to live for, When the reasons seem too few, A friend when it really matters most, A friend who lives for you. Hi, this is Rene' again. I'm now gaining weight again, and I"m well with that. Each experience is a new one for me. But this time I think I can beat it. Here is a poem that I would like to share with you. It's one that I just wrote. This is how I feel now. Hope you like it. You may share it with others if you would like. Walking down this path
With courage, faith and fear My worries lifted from my mind A smile followed by a tear I've never felt this serene I've never had so much hope The confidence to stand my ground And the strength to finally cope My days are filled with love and patience For myself and the ones I hold dear And when I start to rely on my own self will I look to Him knowing He is near I was told He'll love me unconditionally A task too difficult for me to believe But when I opened up my heart and love My goals were suddenly easy to achieve By His grace I now can listen And trust in his plan for me And know without a doubt That I need His eyes to see There is peace all around me And a new comfort in my heart The loneliness from each experience And I no longer stay in my fear I'm grateful for who I am And the things I went through to get here I've learned from each experience And I no longer stay in my fear I've given it all to God And I still have those bad days But I know that God is right beside me For support while teaching me his ways On my knees every night I thank Him for my day For the courage to stay abstinent And the serenity to let come what may I just found your site this morning and I cried for a little bit and thought that maybe you might like my poem. A lot of people say I have an eating disorder and I thought I'd check stuff out about it. I don't know why I feel this way or why I do what I do or why I sent this to you but it's worth a shot at anything. Thanks for your time *anonymous*
A demon lives inside my head
Telling me I should be dead Forcing me to be this way Thinking of food every day A beast rages inside my soul Helping me reach unatttainable goals "Skip breakfast if you have to dear Swallow your pride, forget your fear." My teeth have started to decay And my throat hurts constantly every day They say I forced it on myself But this monster had to have helped I just want to be the same To stop the fighting, stop the games I want to be healthy just like you There's nothing that I wouldn't do So look into my bloodshot eyes See the demon that lives inside And then try to tell me i'll be okay For you it's just another day Melinda, thank you so much for your site... it is absolutely beautiful, and so inspiring. I am a recovered anorexic, and I was doing a report on anorexia for my psychology class when I ran across your site... I think it is such an encouragement to anorexic girls, and it really portrays to truth about the disease, yet also the truth about the hope there is. I found my hope in God, and I believe He is the only one who can give us TRUE hope... "Trust in God with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding, in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Thanks again! Rebecca Miller The Joker
I stare into its ugly face and smile,
It claws at me and rips my heart in two. I shake and groan, yet laughing all the while I take its hand and I embrace it too. I do not understand my deepest will, My heart cries “NO!” yet body follows suit To its cruel games that seek me now to kill. I run away, yet long for its pursuit. It offers wine, it makes me drunk with fear, Yet fear convinces me to play along. I join its dance, it laughs when I draw near And beckons me to sing its deathly song. I cannot bow, I cannot choose to die; For who along can break this curse but I? Dear Melinda, I wrote this during one of my outpatient programs. It seems to be one of the more recovery oriented poem Ive written. I write alot, so, the few times that I can get something positive to come out, I have to tuck them away for those dreary days! Thanks Lena What is this thing that takes our minds
it makes the world seem so bleak is there a way to take a peak. When am I going to be able to see what other people see, the thing that they call reality? Its here to stay and wont go away, When will it find a certain point in time to leave my mind, so I can leave it behind. The hell I call home is all Ive ever known. to leave the comfort of pain or let myself remain. The world goes black and starts to spin I wonder why I can’t seem to win. The worthless thoughts that build inside the neverending hate I hide. To let it out and give it life, is to take away the control I hold tight. It’s impossible to make plans, for all I see is the food that always torments me. How much longer can I last in this awful secret where I am trapped? My body goes weak and I have no energy though I could still run for an eternity. I hate this thing that lives in me that seems to be all I need. I wish I knew I had the key to break away from this hell and flee. I have to believe this isn’t me but when will I see the person I used to be? 9-20-98 Hi I am a 26 year mother of one. My eating disorder's (anorexia and bulimia) started when I was 12. I was sexually abused as a child and it spilled over into my adult years. I just went from one bad thing to another. I am currently still struggling with restricting and purging (I don' t binge), but over all I am doing OK. Having my daughter has really helped and giving it over to God too. I wanted to submit a poem I wrote during one of my anorexic stages. I wrote two versions of the same poem. Here they are.... Thanks and many prayers for all the people who struggle with this deadly and forever lurking disease. Rebecca VERSION ONE Thin Thin Thin NO Thinner Thinner Thinner Perfection in sight Thinnest Power of Food Power of my Body Self-Control NO WEAKNESS Right??? Whatever it takes… Starving Throwing-up Pills…. It doesn't matter Love / Hate Running…. Get away…. Go faster… It's gaining on me! NO! It can't! I hate it! Hate What? I don't know Running from What? ME? My comfort!! A little thinner… Almost Gone…. Death! Success???? VERSION TWO
Thin Thin Thin NO Thinner Thinner Thinner Perfection in sight Thinnest Power of Food Power of my Body Self-Control NO WEAKNESS Right??? Whatever it takes… Starving Throwing-up Pills…. It doesn't matter Love / Hate Running…. Get away…. Go faster… It's gaining on me! NO! It can't! I hate it! Hate What? I don't know Confused Lost Searching! Two Endings Life or Death Eat or Starve A Choice…. HELP! Hi :) My name's Michelle and I've been suffering with an eating disorder for 4 years now. The sad part is: I'm only 18 years old. I've been admitted to hospital about 7 times now, and during one of my admittions, I wrote this poem... Nobody really know me
Hi Melinda,And all the secrets I do hide I have my own little mask A protection from my inside I'm scared to show the real me Afraid that people will judge I keep so much within my heart That it's a wonder I can even budge I carry this mask around with me It is always forever there It waits with me until it's needed So that I will never be caught bare Somedays I feel it urge me To simply throw it away To show the real, true me But I can't let go of it - not today The secrets that are held beneath it Are so painful and so deep I'm afraid that I will hurt the whole world And the whole world will begin to weep Yet the secrets that are held beneath it Are so real and so true That somedays I wish that the mask would melt So I wouldn't be so dishonest and blue I wear my mask with my family With my friends and at school Each day I put my mask on It's such an unhealthy tool It kills my inner being The little girl who's underneath The mask is becoming me I'd like to grind it up in my teeth I'm scared that one day the mask will take over And that the mask will turn into me I'm afraid that the mask will take possession That it will be the one to smell, touch, hear and see I wear the mask so often now When I wake up until I begin to dream I take it off only when I'm in bed And expose the girl inside who's gentle and mean I'm scared that one day it will be stuck And I won't be able to take the mask off I'm afraid of loosing that precious girl The horrible one, who's so kind and soft And so I believe that the day will come When I can drop my mask into the sea Just like the old lady in Titanic And I won't have to hide anymore - I can be me And so I wait for that day After all, I'm so very young I don't deserve to be so ashamed The soul inside is like a song that should be sung Every minute seems like forever Every hour - eternity Yet I believe that I will get the chance To be the real me I will start slowly One day at a time And then my dream will come true Victory will be mine! I'll throw my mask away with a giant splash And watch it sink beneath the sea I'll watch the paint wash away from my companion Hopefully I won't be as old as the lady in Titanic before I expose the real, loving me And I won't have to hide anymore I'll be free to smile and cry and be And people will cheer and clap and laugh of joy As I open up my soul and let others see But for today I need my mask To protect me from me Right now I need the mask to feel safe Like I need a lifejacket to protect me from the sea So for today I'll hold on to it Believing that one day I can let it go Knowing that I won't need to cover up for much longer And that you always have a fresh start tomorrow So if you see me with my mask Don't belittle or critisize me One day I'll get the strengh to let it go And I will trully, honestly be I came across a link to your website and have taken up the opportunity of sharing a poem I wrote a few months ago when I was more optimistic about my situation. Since then things haven't been going so well and the little faith and strength I had at the time of writing the poem seems to have disappeared. I want to congratulate you and thank you for your website, it has rekindled my hope and my chances of overcoming this self-inflicted torture that I have given myself. I guess I am clinging on to this little ray of light in the hope that maybe one day it will ignite into a glowing ball of light and let me see that there is a life on the other side of anorexia. Thank you for your time and keep up the great work you are doing, Regards, Dionne
TRYING HARD
Dear Melinda,It’s been a long time since I was free, To eat what I wanted and wanted what I eat. But just like gazing at a distant star, Obtaining my old happiness seems to far. I’m too weak to fight it, to weak to try, Only finding the strength to curl up and cry. I didn’t want this illness, I’ve never felt such pain, If I knew where it came from, I’d send it back again. Subjecting my body, mind and soul, To this madness that I can’t control. “Just one more pound then you are free” Yet all along it’s lying, the voice of my ED. The torment of starving, craving and fainting Obsessed, depressed, continuously contemplating, Whether I should eat to ease the pain, Or exercise non-stop for hours again. Avoiding the comments, ignoring the stares, Doubting the idea that anyone cares. I need to do this, I need to achieve, Ignoring the dangerous web that I weave. Yet part of me knows that all is not lost, I may lose more weight but at what cost? Trying hard to conquer and beat it, I know with belief in myself I’ll defeat it. I've been suffering from anorexia bulimia for 14 years now(i am 19) and this is a poem i wrote to explain how i feel:
"GET IT OUT MY MIND"i cry
I wrote the poem to try and get people to understand. My illness is caused by
being sexually abused for 12 years and, until last year, me not eating was
just passed off as a phase i was going through. Last year, my mother found out
that my step-dad had been abusing me and it all went to court, it was hell
having to tell strangers what had happened and worse when people figured out
that me not eating was not just a phase. The bastard managed to go free as
there wasn't enough evidence which then made me even more determined to be
small and unnoticed; life wasn't worth living.I went from my routine of a
bowl of cereal a day to just eating 1 cherry tomato a day,throwing that up
and exercising virtually 24 hours a day,it had gotten way out of control but
i didn't care, i saw nothing wrong. People were already pushing me to eat
before but when they noticed that i wasn't even having cereal anymore they
got worse so i went into hiding and spent the whole time exercising, being
sick and taking laxatives.I was soon dragged to the doctors where i found my
liver and kidneys were failing and i weighed 4stone 9lbs so i was rushed
into hospital and then off to a specialist anorexic unit in the priory
hospital,BRISTOL. I was terrified,i couldn't do it, and it would take me
3hours to eat a quarter of a sandwich(1/4 portion). i fought like hell to
keep the weight off by exercising and vomiting but they noticed and i was
put on 24hr supervision.I soon began to realise that it wasn't worth messing
about so i complyed and gradually it became easier; there were 9 other
patients and it was so reassuring ti know they had the same problems and
talking to them helped loads.Five hard months later and i managed to
persuade them to let me go home;i didn't them them the real reason,i said i
was ready but in fact,i just couldn't handle the weight gain anymore,they'd
made me put on almost 3 stone.this thing inside me that wants me to die the thing that tells me not to eat to make me skeletal from my head to my feet. It lives in me twenty-four hours a day telling me to keep away "food is BAD,it'll make you FAT" but i don't want to feel like that Yet i'm out of control,need to lose weight i look too fat and in a terrible state can't control the way i feel the horror,disgust at the thought of a meal the thing inside wants me to run and hide but i want to get rid of it deep inside It wants me to know that it's here to stay that i can't live any other way food is unnecessary,don't need it at all, don't want to be noticed,want to be small I run away to avoid the food people notice my peculiar mood "what's wrong with you?You're losing weight" but i'm so FAT,full of anger and hate I'm starving hungry,want to eat the thing says "no" so i admit defeat I can't get it to go away no matter how hard i try what can i do,have i the strength to live or will it make me die? It is now something i regret because i was so close to being completely cured and i blew it and it is now very difficult as i am struggling with food and the anorexic thoughts are back along with the exercise. I am not proud of what i am doing and wish i didn't let the anorexia win all the time.Please, anyone else going through this,don't give up,seek help and stick with it, i never met a horrible person,everyone is so kind and helpful and you are not rushed into anything.Life is so much better without anorexia and i am going to try me damn hardest to make sure of it. Please,if anyone has any advice,let me know because i am so out of control and need to knoe how to start putting things right again LOVE, Claire Cooke NOTE FROM MELINDA: Claire, you are brave and you are strong - never give up, concentrate and focus your thoughts on the things that make you happiest and spend your time doing the things that bring you joy and make you smile, even the simplest thing such as watching the sun rise, walking through a field in the sunshine and breathing in the fresh, clean air and marvelling at the beautiful blue sky. There are so many beautiful things in this world just waiting for you to discover. You deserve the greatest happiness this world has to offer - always remember that. Keep fighting and keep reminding yourself of your reasons for getting better. You will make it. I thought you might like to see some of my poems. I am going through an eating disorder, and I find poety helps. I am 15, and I live in England. Here they are....
I'm stuck in a world where I don't want to be
This is about bulimia.Suffering emotinal pain which no one can see All of this pain is bottled up inside The thought of self harm and the thought of suicde. My thoughts seem to cause a self-punishing action But to me it seems like the only distraction I'm so plauged by the thoughts in my mind To me they're so clear but to others they're blind. I wake up each day with hostile thoughts What lies ahead makes me feel so fraught The voice in my head is so intense To others it's nothing but to me it's immense I feel despondent with no future ahead But I'll have one soon and this path I'll tread This path will lead me to a place I can endure And I'll never go back to the way I was before.
People make me eat things,
ThankYou
x Kathryn x
Hi, I just turned 32 and have been in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for
one year (but it's been a life-long battle--about 12 years). I found that
the only way I can express myself is through poetry; unfortunately, when I
read them I feel as if someone else wrote them--disconnected from my own
thoughts and feelings. Here is one poem I wrote while struggling with
anorexia and bulimia, one on my thoughts while in therapy, and one about the
hope I have. When i don't want to eat at all. So i eat, for thier sake's not for mine. Then after i do, The guilt creeps on me like. So, i walk into the bathroom, with one thing on my mind. I am too fat. I walk into the toilet, shut the door behind me. Close my eyes, Stick my fingers down my throat, and choke. And vomit. Then, a wave of relief comes over me, And i feel so happy now! But then....guilt creeps on me yet again. I try to dodge it but it gets me. I walk out of the toilet, And give a big smile to my friends. I need to reasure them, that im fine, Because i need them. If they knew what i was doing, I wouldn't have them anymore. I feel like i'm stuck in one painful circle of Bulimia. The pain is to much to take at the moment. I hate it.
1998:
Thank you so much. It was a great experience writing these poems once again.
Sincerely,
Nancy
The Journal Reading my old journal The Girl in me I find I simply cannot fathom Why I was not kind I began to write Almost everyday About the world I lived in And my wish to throw it away Hey, don't look surprised How was I to see A slow suicide Could really happen to me? My mouth was always closed TO the anger and the hate Inside is where I kept it My mind was like a gate Dont'ask them any questions Or let them know your needs, Getting smaller and smaller Inside my body feeds One day this held in anger Jumped right out of me I couldn't take this hunger I went on a food spree "What a bad girl That I have become, No one will love me For what I have done" This vicious cycle I just could not stop I didn't expect it, The weight I did drop On top of the world Slender and smart, Inside slowly dying I was falling apart As I read on I remember the day My heart went crazy In bed as I lay I prayed that I'd live To see the next day, To tell all the people What I'd wanted to say "Love me for the meanness The hate I hold inside Love me for the reasons I used to try to hide" "Take me in your arms And say that it's alright, If I fail at something Don't make me live in fright" "Tell me what a woman Eventually should be Is she smart and daring, A person to be free?" "You love me and respect me That I wish I'd known, And didn't wait to tell me As a woman, when I've grown" In therapy, 2001 Drifting in this World Drifting in a tunnel Whenyou ask me how I feel Response is automatic, The words don't seem quite real The walls are closing in, And the room is getting dimmer The struggle overwhelming, The wall becomes the winner In searching for an answer Frustration builds inside The real me I'm protecting I swiftly run and hide The barriers of resistance Are deeply part of me In searching for the answers From my mind, I try to flee What I need is patience And guidance through this hell To share with you my story A life that's worth to tell. This is the limbo state of recovery I tend to feel most often: Greatness in My Name Tell me what you see, Your perception of me Does it alter with desire? Your acceptance, does it tire? Take a look at me I'll tell you what I see A fat and ugly creature, A monster movie feature Is this what YOU see? Or my perception of me That changes day by day When fear gets in the way Some days I see the light Reflection seems alright But depending on my state, I could wake up filled with hate The love is far and few As I dream that I were new Perfect as can be Just anyone, BUT ME! Yet the words you say are clear I see fatness, but it's fear One day I'll feel the same, I'll know the Greatness in my name. My Reflection
From Lmdance
The image I see is so different from others They say thin I say not Compliments I accept To myself I do not My image is not of others My reflection is a scarey site to my eyes Inside is the torture and unhappiness ow bad does all this I want to end Just to be happy and normal again 9 months of pain, i thought i would stop Everyday is a new task ToH take that image and gain the happiness back. |